I vibe at different times of the day,
To keep my sex life spicy.
It’s because I have no boyfriend
But I’m sure that if I had a boyfriend
I wouldn’t need to vibe at all.
I’m sure my man would keep me satisfied.
In fact, I bet that if I threw my vibe in the garbage
It’d be like broadcasting to the Universe,
“I am ready for a boyfriend! Bring me sex!”
But what if my neighbor Juan decides to go through the trash because he needs something,
Opens my bag
And sees the vibrator next to all the junk mail addressed to me?
Then he’ll know it’s mine.
And he’ll think, “Why does she need this? She must need a good fucking.”
So he’ll start watching the door of Apartment 11
And he’ll see me,
Alone and miserable and wishing I hadn’t thrown out my vibe.
And the mystery around me will grow, because he’ll think –
“Where is the man who made her throw out her vibrator? She is alone all the time!”
And then it’ll dawn on him that “Oh, she doesn’t have a boyfriend! She must be in need of a deep dicking!”
Then he’d knock on my door,
(This happens to be the same moment I finish praying to God to send me My One True Love –The One!)
And I open it, look at him and think, Seriously God? This dude is it?
He stands there with hope shining from his round face.
I am repulsed but then feel like a bitch, so I quickly think:
“Wow, here is love right on my doorstep, what a gift,
I really should invite him in.
Wait, what if he doesn’t speak English? I didn’t specify that.
Shit shit shit, he’s like five feet tall. Chances are his pecker is really tiny.”
I can’t STAND that.
(It’s because I’m like the gas tank of a sports car – fill me up and I can go for miles.)
So, my The One:
He’s short, so’s his penis, and he doesn’t even talk English.
Jesus, God, FUCK!!!! This is not what I asked for!
But I can’t be rude because one
He’s my neighbor, hello and two
because he’s most likely The One. I really believe in signs.
But I can’t leave him standing in the door, still looking hopeful.
He looks me up and down.
My cheeks go warm and my thighs a-quiver.
“Can I help you?” I finally say.
He tilts his head and smiles warmly.
“Hi! You need a fuck? I the one!”
Yes. Yes I do, and God and I will be having words when I’m done here.