Photo courtesy of "mingo.nl," www.flickr.com
Oh, darlin,’ have I been there. For the longest time, I thought I wasn’t allowed to express what was on my mind and that I had to hold everything back just to please others. But really, I was destroying myself and destroying the image of who others thought I was. I denied negative emotions to the point where I stuffed them down with snack food and purged it all by running on the treadmill for hours and hours, then not eating the next two or three meals to punish myself for the behavior. I’d repeat this cycle over and over because despite the physical pain, it was familiar and comfortable to me…much more comfortable than telling people how I really felt. I wanted everyone to think I was a goody-goody, benevolent woman who could do no wrong. Inside, the pain, guilt, fear and shame festered, infecting my emotions and zapping me of the childlike spark people had always liked about me. Instead, I had become a bitter, angry, jealous old woman even though I was only a teenager.
This lasted until I sought professional help and practiced different ways of expressing my emotions. One major way I did this was to start telling people (without bashing them, of course) what I really felt, to start saying “no” when I didn’t feel like doing something for somebody else (this IS okay, you know), and to start paying more attention to what my body needed. Now, if I’m tired, I go to bed early without worrying whether people think I’m a 90-year-old woman who needs her geriatric rest. If I need a break from exercise, I take it. If I want a longer workout, I take it because I feel like it. Not because someone else says I “should” work out longer. If I’m upset with someone, I let that person know why I feel upset. I never use the phrase “You make me mad” or “You are at fault.” I always turn the sentence around so that it is me stating my emotions rather than blaming someone else. That only creates conflict.
If you are upset or having a crappy day, try writing about it in your journal. Call the friend who understands…not the one who will badger you or tell you you’re crazy for feeling the way you do. We all have a right to feel the way we do, whether it makes sense to other people or not. Nobody else lives in your head, so how can they possibly know why you think about something the way you do? If you’ve nobody to talk to, turn on the radio, sing out loud if you can pull yourself together to do so, or doodle on a notepad like a little kid. You’d be surprised as to what you end up drawing; your emotions have a funny way of unconsciously expressing on paper exactly what they want to convey.
If you’re angry, pick up a pillow and beat the dust out of it. Do NOT lay a hand on someone else or break things around your house. Trust me, I’ve thrown one too many shoes at the wall after arguing with my mother over the phone. Sit in your car with the windows rolled up and scream. Look in the mirror and pretend you’re staring at the person who ticked you off. Tell that person how you feel and release the emotion.
Photo courtesy of "It'sHolly," www.flickr.com
Never feel like you’re too old to have a good cry, or that someone will think you’re “weak” if you express how you’re really feeling. Actually, you become weaker when you suppress your feelings, because doing so will cause you to slowly break down and enter into a state of anxiety or depression.
And of course, allow yourself to laugh! Try to laugh as much as possible every day. When you bring humor to even the most painfully realistic situations, life becomes so much more bearable.
But just as I mentioned, let your emotions flow. Here’s an exercise by our very own Lorraine Sena, who is a pro when it comes to telling it how she sees it. You might consider the following passage as a journal entry or poem. Write your own and read it out loud. Then keep it in a safe place or throw it away if you wish. The importance is the expression and release of the feeling.
Bitter. The word bitter comes with a lot of stigma. If you’re bitter you are the angry cat woman that thinks all men are the same. We are supposed to take every hit that life throws at us, every heart breaking moment and “learn” from it. God forbid we admit that we are bitter. I am bitter. I have learned from every experience, but I am bitter. It’s an emotion that we aren’t supposed to admit to having but I am bitter. I won’t be bitter forever, but today, right now, I’m going to accept that I am bitter. It isn’t forever, it’s an emotion that we try to hide, ignore, suppress which inevitably only makes that bitterness fester. We’re allowed to feel angry, sad or depressed, but we can’t ever admit that we are bitter. Life isn’t easy & we get off the self-designed path we have way too often, people we love and trust hurt us, we don’t get what we deserve, what we’ve worked so hard for. I am bitter. It’s not forever. Accept your bitterness. Let yourself feel it. Mourn what has left you bitter and be stronger because of it.
