A lot of people are skeptical about the power of positive thinking. Before I discovered how to make positive thoughts work for me, I was also cynical about how something as simple as changing my thoughts could help change my life for the better. I’d try it out for a while, but it wouldn’t be long before I’d grow impatient with the “lack” of results, and begin relying on the comfort of some of my deeply engrained pessimistic views.

For months I found myself on an emotional see-saw trying to make the most out of this “new age” way of thinking, but not really understanding how to use it correctly. It took a lot of soul searching and research before I realized the simple explanation that I’m about to share with you. Relying on positive thinking alone is like rubbing a lamp and hoping for a genie to pop out. Please do not misinterpret what I’m about to say. I’m not saying that positive thinking is futile, I’m merely saying that changing your thoughts alone is useless if you do not change the negative habits that accompany those thoughts.

For example: You may decide that you are going to begin each day by affirming your financial prosperity. Each morning you get up and say to yourself “I am financially abundant and financially prosperous.” However, because your current reality may not match up with this positive thought, a part of you is doubtful about the possibility of change, you find yourself complaining to others about your finances, or worrying about your piling debt and unpaid bills.

When your beliefs and actions do not match your positive affirmations, you are not supplying your positive thought with enough reinforcement to create long-lasting change. Just as actions speak louder than words, your actions need to coincide and reinforce your positive thinking. Don’t just think positive. Be positive, and act accordingly to the positive thoughts that you are asserting. Think of your life as a plant and positive thinking as the seed for change.

Louise L. Hay, one of the founders of the self-help movement, once stated:

“Affirmations are like planting seeds in the ground. First they germinate, then they sprout roots, and then they shoot up through the ground. It takes some time to go from a seed to a full-grown plant. And so it is with affirmations—it takes some time from the first declaration to the final demonstration.
Be patient.”

I would like to add to this statement by saying that just as it takes time for a seed to grow to a full-grown plant, it also needs to be nurtured and planted in good soil. Your actions and beliefs are the water and soil that help bring your positive thoughts to life.

You have to believe that you deserve what you desire and act as if it is already yours to claim in order to create a positive change in your life.

In her book “Experience Your Good Now,” Louise L. Hay says,

“An affirmation (positive thought) opens the door. It’s a beginning point on the path to change. In essence, you’re saying to your subconscious mind: “I am taking responsibility. I am aware that there is something I can do to change.”

You have the power to change your life. Take responsibility by working on some of the engraved negative beliefs that exist within your subconscious and make an effort to not only think happy but feel and be happy.

Photo credit: Flickr Creative Commons User Alex Cheek

With a new year comes a list of resolutions. For some it’s starting a new gym routine, for others it’s learning how to become financially savvy, but as Valentine’s Day rears its head around the corner, many of us are starting to consider the changes that need to be made in our love lives.

Like any other self-made promise, creating a positive change in your love life begins with an open mind, strong will, and commitment. Attract the type of relationship you want and start inspiring a positive change in your love life with these four essential love resolutions:

1) Be Positive
Beauty truly does radiate from within. There’s nothing sexier than a woman who loves herself and is passionate about life. Face it, ladies: nobody likes a Debby Downer! Even if she is stacked like Kim Kardashian. There’s a reason why the not so cute girl, smiling and laughing at the bar is getting all of the attention. When you exude confidence and joy, you send out signals that say “I’m awesome and most importantly I’m dateable.” Bottom line one you ditch the bitchy, self-loathing behavior you’ll start to notice how much fun dating can actually be.

2) Make Room
For some reason this is the generation of the overworked, overindulged, and overly committed. We’re all running around at 50,000 miles per hour with an endless list of to do’s and if we meet someone who’s not, we frown upon them and ask ourselves what they’re doing with their lives. The answer to your question- they’re living! If you’re looking to find love, you have to make time and room for it in your “oh so” busy life. Everyone has responsibilities and obligations but if you let love fall at the bottom of your to do list, chances are you’ll never get to it. If finding love is a priority than treat it as such. Make room in your life to meet that special someone by being more flexible with yourself and making some adjustments in your schedule.

3) Open Up
We’ve all been burnt. If I had a dollar for every guy who failed to call or even worse, failed to tell me they were already in a relationship, I’d be a Billionaire. You’d probably find me sitting aside Trump, popping bottles of champagne and chumming it up on one of his many yachts. But all jokes aside regardless how many times you’ve been hurt, you can’t be afraid to open yourself up to love again. There’s no room for intimacy without vulnerability. Stop comparing the new guy to the one(s) who broke your heart and learn to take everyone at face value. Don’t worry about what he may or may not do, instead enjoy it while it lasts. That way, if he does turn out to be Mr. Wrong, you can still look back and say “Hey, it was fun while it lasted.”

4) Change Your Beliefs
Your thoughts empower your beliefs and whatever you empower you will attract. What are some of the negative thoughts you have about yourself? What are some of the negative beliefs that you’ve acquired about men? Despite what you may currently believe, not every man is a liar and cheater, devoted to being lifelong bachelor. And just because you have to wear spanx to cover that muffin top, doesn’t mean you’re less lovable than the skinny model type you see in the magazines.

If you want to attract love into your life, start believing in yourself and the idea that real love does exist. Love every inch of yourself despite your “imperfections” and know that you are worthy of a love that is sincere, joyous and healthy. And don’t forget to ditch some of those man-hating beliefs that have developed as a result of your experiences. Remember, you will attract that which you believe. Remind yourself that love is possible for you and that those who didn’t work out aren’t living proof that good men have gone extinct, they were just opportunities to become clearer on what you want, need and deserve in a relationship.

Photo courtesy of Paul Downey, www.flickr.com

As we begin to approach the Thanksgiving holiday, we are reminded to express gratitude and appreciation for all we have. Many of us reserve our gratitude for the “good ol’ times”- the moments when something especially good happens and everything is going well. But gratitude is not meant to be locked away for special occasions. Gratitude is finding value in all circumstances and maintaining an attitude of thanksgiving beyond the holiday season.

If you’re searching for more joy and abundance in your life, you have to start being grateful now! When we learn to practice gratitude on a daily basis, we begin to recognize what’s valuable to us and appreciation some of the “hidden blessings” that are often taken for granted: good health, family, a home, a job, a meal. This doesn’t mean that you have to be complacent with what you have, but if you commit yourself to practicing gratitude on a daily basis, you’ll soon begin to see how a simple shift in perception can help shape your world and add abundance to your life.

According to best-selling author and life coach Mike Robbins, “Gratitude not only makes us feel good, it’s also one of the greatest attractors of abundance, love, peace, success, health, connection and more. The more we focus on what we already have, the wonderful aspects of our lives and what we appreciate, the more we end up having to be grateful for.”

Practicing Gratitude

Being thankful is a conscious decision. Instead of dwelling on what you lack, focus on what you do have. Dr. Robert Holden, author of the best-selling book “Happiness Now,” suggests:

“To get started, say out loud 10 things you are truly grateful for. Notice what this feels like to hear yourself say it. Are you having fun? Does it feel silly?…The gift of gratitude is that it helps you to enjoy your life as it happens, here and now.”

An important part of practicing gratitude is maintaining a positive attitude. Eliminate any aspects of animosity, sarcasm, and self-loathing. In other words, instead of thinking or saying to yourself, “I hate my job, but I am grateful for having one,” ditch the “negative Nancy” talk and focus on the fact that, you have a job! There are so many qualified individuals who are still searching for jobs as a result of the layoffs from the recent recession. Flipping burgers and organizing clothing racks may not be your dream job, but at least you have one.

“A grateful mind is a great mind which eventually attracts to itself great things.” -Plato

There will be times in your life when you find it difficult to be thankful. There will be days when it feels like the world around you is crumbling before your eyes. But if you learn to maintain an attitude of hopefulness, secure in the understanding that “this too shall pass,” you will begin to attract more reasons to be grateful. This understanding is the key to a more abundant life.

Photo courtesy of Stuart Heath, www.flickr.com

Halloween isn’t the only time of year some of us walk around in disguise. Some of us “trick or treat” on a daily basis; we “trick” ourselves into believing we can manipulate our emotions and “treat” those same emotions as if they aren’t really there. We walk around with masks of joy and happiness painted on our tired faces, hoping no one else takes notice of what is happening deep inside. And often they don’t. But the problem with emotional masks is that the slightest incident can bring the masquerade to a halt, unveiling whatever we’re trying to hide underneath. These emotional masks can even send us to breaking point.

A lot of people misinterpret what it means to be in “control” of your emotions. We often hear the word “control” and we relate it to the concept of having “power over.” This misconception may lead us to believe that if we are still feeling strongly about a certain emotion, than we are not assuming “power” over those emotions, and therefore we are not in control. But being in “control” of your emotions is less about manipulating your feelings than it is about increasing your emotional awareness. You have to allow yourself to feel negative feelings as they arise. This is the only way you’ll be able to identify the source of those feelings and further understand how to cope with those emotions.

Emotional awareness is the ability to recognize your emotional responses and manage them in a healthy way. People often attempt to cope with their feelings by avoiding them entirely and pretending everything is okay. They distract themselves with external stimuli or begin to engage in risky emotional and physical behaviors. Others resort to sticking with the emotional mask they find most comfortable.

For example, someone feeling inadequate, fearful, or insecure may result to bullying and constantly appear to be angry or mean. They are attempting to use this mask of anger as a disguise for what they are really feeling. Because they have not learned to properly cope with their emotions, they pick on others and shut people out as a part of their coping mechanism.

According to Jeanne Segal, Ph.D, Melinda Smith, M.A.; and Lawrence Robinson (authors of the article “Emotion Communicates: The Powerful Role Emotions Play in All Relationships”):

Raising your emotional awareness and emotional intelligence begins with the question: “What kinds of sensory input instantly make me feel relaxed, safe, calm, and focused?” Once you have a safety net in place and know how to make yourself feel good quikly and dependably, you can begin to explore the emotions that seem disagreeable or frightening.

There are several consequences in avoiding our emotions and feelings, including emotional exhaustion and shutting down your ability to feel positive emotions such as happiness and love. In order to avoid numbing ourselves entirely and the risk of damaging our relationships, we must learn to cope with our feelings in a positive and healthy way. To learn more about emotional awareness, visit Helpguide.org and read the full article quoted above, titled “Emotion Communicates: The Powerful Role Emotions Play in All Relationships.” Helpguide.org is a trusted, non-profit emotional wellness site directed by a group of social workers and psychologists. Check it out!

Photo courtesy of Tahir Wadood Malik, www.flickr.com

We have all been there—that moment when life brings us to our knees, asking the heavens, “Why? “What have I done to deserve this? Alright. I’ve gotten away with a few white lies. But do I really deserve this punishment?”

When things in life don’t go according to “our plans,” we begin to question where we went wrong and what we can do to change it. We have this constant need to be in control of our current circumstances. When life happens according to its own plan, it’s a smack in the face; a reminder that we are not in control and are very much alive. To paraphrase a quote by life coach Martha Beck, whatever’s “out there” isn’t trying to ruin our lives. It’s trying to save our lives. If we learn to give into the lows as well as the highs, we’ll start to realize that everything happens for a reason. Often, it’s a good one.

Giving Up Vs. Giving In

The first step to healing is to give in. This is not to be confused with giving up. Giving in involves accepting things as is and letting go of the resistance that brings pain, tension, and fear. The difference between giving in and giving up is that “giving in” involves hope, faith, and confidence. No matter how horrible things may seem, they will in fact get better.

Spiritual teacher Dr. Wayne Dyer advises us to deal with the low points in our lives by embracing a positive belief in the Universe. As he wrote in his article, Restore Your Faith, “Life is made of peaks and valleys, and being in a valley doesn’t mean there isn’t a peak on the horizon. In fact, it’s usually a good indication that something great is going to come your way. When you’re at a low point in your life, keep moving. The only direction you can go is up.”

Healing is a choice; your choice, to be exact. You can choose to deal with the pain now by allowing yourself enough time to go through the “five stages of grief,” or avoid the pain at all costs and delay your process of healing and self-growth. Just remember that masking the pain is like applying foundation to a blemish; it might cover it up, but when you wipe it all away the true problem is still there.

Turning Obstacles Into Opportunities

When we’re feeling down it’s easy to get sucked into a vacuum of negative thinking. “I’m not good enough, nothing is ever going to change, life sucks”…we’ve all given into these thoughts and attitudes at some point in our lives. After a series of bad heartbreaks I myself was convinced there was a “kick me” sign hanging right above the doorway to my heart. One of my exes even managed to break my heart and my wallet at the same time. I got an, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you. And by the way, I’ve just cleared out your bank account.” He stated this a lot more nicely, of course, but it cut me just the same. For years I sat there and complained about how horrible my “love life” was and how men were no good, until I realized that the one holding up the “kick me” sign was me.

To turn a low into a high you have to accept that despite external factors, you are in control of your happiness. Turn your pain into power by focusing on the good in your life and remaining positive. When things go wrong, it’s normal to turn all of your focus on the “bad” instead of “the good.” In the example I mentioned above, it was hard for me to see the good in life at the time, but hindsight is 20/20.

Take the “low” points in your life as opportunities to focus on the things you have always wanted to do and CAN change. So you just lost your job. “Maybe I CAN take this opportunity to go back to school or land the job I really wanted. Your boyfriend just dumped you? The jerk probably doesn’t deserve you anyway, so take the focus away from that failed relationship and use it to better yourself. The two hours you spent talking on the phone can be better spent increasing endorphins at the gym. It’s something that will not only relieve some stress but make you feel more fabulous, too.

Claim Your Victory

Best-selling motivational author Louise Hay believes you can transform your life by staying positive. In an interview with Oprah, Hay stated, “You have to start saying things that make you feel really good about yourself. “I love who I am. I love life. Life loves me. It’s going to be smooth and easy. Life works for me.’ And you just start doing that—it’s planting seeds. You’re not going to get it the first day, but you plant a seed and you water it and you continue the affirmations, and things start to shift and change in your life.” So ditch that self-defeatist attitude and claim your victory now. The more you practice being a happier you, the easier it will be to survive the lows in this wave we call life.

Illustration copyright Danielle Travali

It’s that time of the month again and Aunt Flow has you feeling moody, achy and drained, possibly to the point of psychosis. Although PMS is often dismissed as an excuse for women to engage in “bitchy” behavior, the symptoms are very real. According to The American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, at least 85 percent of menstruating women experience at least one PMS symptom during their monthly cycle. Symptoms can be as mild as headaches, fatigue, and abdominal cramping, and as severe as anxiety, depression and uncontrollable crying spells. Sounds like a nightmare, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, some women, from puberty to menopause, relive this nightmare one to two weeks out of every month of their lives.

While doctors still have not determined the exact cause or cure for these monthly changes, there are some steps that you can take to help you relieve your symptoms.

MIND
During this time of the month, it is important more than ever to keep your mind in tip-top shape by getting enough rest. There’s nothing like some good ol’ fashion R&R to help alleviate symptoms of stress, fatigue and confusion. Sleep is essential to renew your body’s energy levels, essential cells and tissues. A well-rested body is better suited to deal with the physical and emotional symptoms that are caused by PMS.

BODY
Diet is thought to have an impact on the intensity level of certain PMS symptoms. If you are suffering from symptoms from PMS, it may be wise to limit your salt intake in order to combat bloating, and avoid depressants such as alcohol that will worsen feelings of extreme sadness or depression. You can also help boost up your “happy factor” by increasing your carb intake. Carbohydrates help increase serotonin levels in the brain, which are the chemicals responsible for elevating your mood. And that tub of ice cream that you kept hidden in the fridge? Eat some! If your body is telling you to eat something, it’s usually a sign that your body needs a nutritional component found in that particular item.

It’s no secret that exercise is a great stress reliever. Moderate exercise, about three times a week,
will help relieve stress and help balance out your hormones.

SOUL
Once you have nourished the mind and body, it is important to focus on the soul. Meditation is a holistic approach that can help you center yourself and align the functions of the body with the mind. Practicing meditation techniques on a regular basis can help to quiet the mind and control the unpredictable thoughts and behaviors experienced by PMS sufferers. A recent Women’s Health study described in WebMD reported that PMS symptoms subsided by 58 percent in women who meditated.

A lifestyle that combines a balanced nutrition, healthy exercise, and adequate rest and relaxation is a great way to put Aunt Flow in her place. However, if symptoms persist and are severe, it is best to play it safe and consult with a doctor.

Photo courtesy smip.co.uk, www.flickr.com

You Call It Selfish, I Call It Self-Love.

For many of us, giving away our time, resources, and energy, comes so naturally that we often find ourselves giving when there is nothing left to give. Afraid of appearing selfish and inconsiderate, I, too, once found myself over-committing to obligations that drained me of my energy and attempting to give more than I had to offer. If I had a dollar left to my name but knew you needed fifty cents, I’d do without because it was the noble, loving thing to do. Although my actions were motivated by a heart full of love and compassion, what I did not realize at the time was that the more I did for others, the less time and fewer resources I had to “do” for me. Each time I said “yes” to something or someone else, I was unconsciously saying no to one of my priorities.

Although there is much strength in The Power of Yes, there is much to be said about The Power of NO!!! Whether we realize it at the time or not, underestimating the power of NO can hinder you if you do not learn how to set boundaries. I’ve suffered from a few failed relationships and financial burdens as a result of my over-giving. It is important to recognize that what may at first appear as selfless giving can easily become a burdensome obligation. Overextending our generosity can often cause others to become overly dependent on us and feel entitled to our giving. As explained by Angela, author of The Curvy Life blog, “The inescapable consequence of over-giving to others is an under-giving to ourselves. This can lead to the neglect of the most basic aspects of self-care—sleep, proper nutrition, exercise—in the name of caring for others. And the end game of over-giving is that eventually you have nothing to give to anyone else either.”

At first, saying “no” can be extremely difficult, but like anything else, practice makes perfect. You may feel guilt or shame for making yourself the priority, or even get a few guilt trips from the ones you have so innocently enabled. Some may go as far as to call you SELFISH, but you know better now, and understand that what they see as selfish is actually you practicing SELF-LOVE.

According to Drs. Rachel and Richard Heller, “healthy selfishness” is an important ingredient to living a fulfilling life. It is a way of thinking and acting in which you display a deep appreciation and concern for yourself. This includes a willingness to respect your own feelings, desires, and needs as well as accepting your weaknesses and imperfections without feeling guilty. It means nurturing yourself and loving yourself unconditional without feeling the need to create excuses or apologize for your unavailability.

If you find yourself emotionally and physically exhausted from over-giving, it’s time to start saying NO! But as explained by Dr. Rachel and Richard Heller, putting yourself first is not a change that has to happen overnight. It’s your choice to move slowly or take life-changing leaps based on your comfort level and circumstance. It is best to tackle one problem area at a time so you don’t get overwhelmed. Regardless of what route you take, the ultimate goal is to free yourself from the overwhelming opinions and demands that restrict you from fulfilling your full potential.

For additional tips on saying NO and putting yourself in control, visit Lhj.com

Some people never move beyond the heartbreak. They build barriers the size of the Great Wall, fooling themselves into believing that they can move on with their lives without the need to trust again.

Yet without trust, it’s nearly impossible to form close, lasting relationships. When we fail to build these bonds, our lives can seem empty and less meaningful.

Several studies have shown that those who are more trusting in others are generally happier than people who are mistrusting. It is natural to feel the need to put up an emotional fence. But if the fence goes up, you’ve got to install a gate that occasionally lets others in. Don’t wrap the fence up with electric barbed wire.

Regardless of what you have been through, it is possible to trust again. It will definitely take some bravery and patience, but even during moments in which you begin to feel discouraged, remind yourself that you have no choice but to trust again. You will trust again because you deserve to have fulfilling relationships with others. Affirm that you love yourself enough to know that if you give up on trust, you are only really giving up on yourself.

Learning to trust again is all about setting boundaries and being patient with yourself…and with the person you are learning to trust.  When you put up a fence, you decide to set up personal boundaries and observe the other person well enough before deciding to let that person in.  Don’t assume that everyone out there has ill intentions. Don’t close yourself up to the world. Trusting someone else has more to do with trusting yourself than it does the other person.

Life coach and columnist Martha Beck has developed a scientific approach to help you re-boot what she calls your “trust-o-meter” known to the rest of us as our “gut” or intuitive side.  We all posses the ability to separate the sheep from the wolf in sheep’s clothing, but after a few disappointments, it’s easy for your trust-o-meter to go haywire, leaving you feeling confused and vulnerable.

According to Beck, rebooting your trust-o-meter involves three basic steps: “making predictions about how the world works, looking for evidence to either support or disconfirm those predictions, and changing your hypotheses in the light of what you see to be true.”  Beck has also come up with a series of trivial questions to help you measure the credibility of an individual:

1. Does Person X usually show up on time?
2. When Person X says something is going to happen, does it usually happen?
3. When you hear Person X describing an event and then get more information about that event, does the new information usually match Person’s X’s description?

The “no” questions:
1.Have you ever witnessed Person X lying to someone or assuming you’ll help deceive a third person?
2. Does Person X sometimes withhold information in order to make things go more smoothly or avoid conflict?
3. Have you ever witnessed Person X doing something (lying, cheating, being unkind) that he or she would condemn if another person did it?

Beck suggests that if the person in question rates more than one “no” on the first three questions, and more than one “yes” on the second three, they do not warrant your total trust in the present time.  This is not to say that things cannot change. Yet, you should keep these observations in mind when judging how much you are willing to trust an individual or whether they have the potential to be trusted at all.

Again, learning to trust is all about observing, setting boundaries, and being patient.  There is no use in condemning someone just because you are not totally aware of their intentions.  People will eventually show their true colors.  Take your time in getting to know the person. Start off by sharing small personal details to see where that leads you.

After all, a part of learning to trust again is the ability to give the other person a reason to trust you.  If the person in question violates your trust with the smaller things, just take it that as a lesson learned. You risk walking away with minimal injury. Even if the other person lets you down, recognize that this person’s betrayal is not a reflection of your character or self-worth.  Be confident enough to know that you will be okay and strong enough to use this experience as a point of reference—a stepping stone to stronger, more trustworthy relationships in the future.