Photo: Google

A lot of people say friendships are short-lived in New York City. Everything moves so fast. You talk to a kind stranger on the subway then never see him again. You give someone directions and wish her well on her journey. I’ve had many of these fleeting conversations. But nothing compares to the one I had with Benny.

I first met Benny after waking from an afternoon pity nap– rosary beads in my hand and religious articles all over my room. A pity nap is the kind where you have nothing to do, no job, nowhere to go and no money in your pocket, so you just pull the covers over your head and pray to every religious figure (dead and alive) you’ve ever heard of– from Jesus to Buddha to Jehovah to the Dalai Lama –to make all your problems go away.

Thanks to a debt collector that woke me up from my nap, I couldn’t sleep. So I made myself a plate of leftover pasta. Just as I was about to heat it up, I found Benny on the floor near the microwave. He was lying on his back, kicking his barbed legs in desperation, his torso the color of a rusted coin from the 1970s. I grabbed a napkin, crouched and picked him up. There he lie in my hand, the ugliest, most pathetic cockroach moving slowly, like a battery-operated toy about to lose its power. I lost my appetite.

I wondered how many New York kitchens he ransacked before he decided to crash at my place. It didn’t matter now. So, I held him and gave him a name. He looked like a Benny — innocent and non-threatening. Just a sad little creature who wanted something to eat.

“Benny, baby,” I said, cradling him in front of my chest in the napkin. “I’m sorry. I’ve been searching, too. I can’t seem to find the sugar bowl, either. It’s like you almost seem to have what you’re looking for. But it’s always an almost. Always an almost.”

He curled his legs as if he understood me. But he didn’t. In another lifetime, Benny could have been my friend, my partner in crime who’d steal packets of sugar for me at the diner; the silent listener who’d hand me a tissue to wipe my snot after I’d been crying.

Instead, in this moment, in the quiet of my apartment with the overcast sky out the window, he was a dead insect in my hand. I wrapped him in the napkin and slipped him into the toilet.

“I’ll find the sugar bowl for both of us,” I said.

And I will.

In this life, it’s not as important to be remembered as it is to remember others.

I have always wanted so much to be acknowledged and revered for doing something great — for accomplishing something amazing in my life. I’ve always wanted people to say, “Look at her – she’s awesome.” I guess it was an ego thing. It was a narcissist thing. I felt the world revolved around me.

But this is not what our life is really about. We are here to be happy and take care of ourselves, but we are also here to do the same to other people. We’re here to be kind — to make other people’s lives a little bit happier even if it means bringing a cup of tea to your coworker who has a slight cough. Even if it means high-fiving the newspaper guy in the subway station. Even if it means thanking your cab driver for getting you safely to your destination.

I’d always used to be angry. I felt a sense of entitlement. I felt bitter and closed off. I was a very cold person for a long time. Many people thought I was a snob. I guess I was. But when I realized how badly I needed love, I learned that the only way to feel loved is to share the desired feeling with everyone in this world. Once you start, you don’t want to stop. I guess it’s like having sex or eating chocolate. Except the entire world feels the sensation! :-p

On a more serious note, though, you really do create your life by the way you act and think. Things do not simply HAPPEN to you. You make them happen. And you choose whether to allow them to continue or not. I choose peace in my life, and I choose to bring peace to this world. Here are a few ways to be the silent hero — to bring peace and kindness to your world today:

1. Sit for a minute, breathe deeply, close your eyes and imagine a sphere of white light surrounding our beloved earth. If we all did this, I truly believe our lives would all be more peaceful.

2. Buy a snack or a drink at the vending machine and leave it there for someone else. When that person goes to buy something, he or she will be super surprised to see a freebie bag of pretzels already waiting to be eaten. Or better yet, M&Ms.

3. Leave little Post-It love notes on the doors in bathroom stalls, bar stools, windshields and street poles. Post-Its are great because they don’t damage surfaces and people who need them can simply peel them off and take them.

4. Hug an animal. No, I don’t suggest climbing over the fence at the zoo to embrace a cheetah, but hugging or petting a dog or a cat, yes. If you’re feeling sad or angry, this will help to save your day!

5. Share a sandwich with a friend the way you did in the first grade. Nutella always guarantees a great day! Remember — we all hunger for a good sandwich and a good friend.

6. Send an email to someone you haven’t spoken to for a while just to let them know you are thinking about them and that they matter to you. So many of us feel like friends only want to talk to us when they need something. Let the person know that you need THEM in your life You will make this person’s day for sure!

We are here to enjoy each other and care for each other. If you’re one of those cynics who rolls your eyes whenever you hear anything slightly sentimental, take heart. Please. We need more good people in this crazy world who will spread the love and light.

Life is too short to not kiss, make up and hug the people you love (or even just like a lot!).

Young girls are socialized to get along well with others, to play nicely, and to be aware of others’ feelings. As girls go through middle and high school, some of these values are lost and competitiveness and jealousy play themselves out in a hurtful way. I believe that the unfortunate combination of the aforementioned values and the competition that develops in the later school years contribute to women’s fear of success.

Yes, men too are susceptible to this fear, but I believe that it is a more common problem among women.

Getting what we really want in life takes incredible focus, perseverance, and the ability to forge ahead in the face of failure. There are many times during this journey when we fall flat on our faces, but we have to dust ourselves off and get on with the show. This is not always easy if you lack a support group — the fan club that is cheering just for you.  Many women are prone to self-doubt and to internalizing the negative evaluations of others, which manifests as a fear of failure. And when we experience small successes that may lead to larger successes, sometimes a new set of fears overcomes us — the fear of success.

If any of the below rings true, you may have a fear of success.

1. Am I truly worthy of success?

2. If I achieve success, will it make me as happy as I expect it to?

3. Will others still love/like me?

4. Will success lead me to loneliness because my friends will abandon the successful me?

5. Will I be exploited by those who want to benefit from my connections, contacts, et cetera?

6. Will men still like me if I am successful, or will they find me undesirable?

Success and our Friendships

The fact is that success is associated with great satisfaction and yes, it is also associated with some problems. As women transform themselves into powerful individuals they may, in fact, lose some friends. Those friends that were expected to cheer you on may instead become jealous of your success.

 My recommendation is that we women re-examine how we take care of each other. There is enough success to go around for everyone! The girlfriend that you cheer on today may be a wonderful and enthusiastic member of your fan club as you work on climbing that tricky ladder of success.

I suggest that, in your journey toward current and future success, you carefully examine your friendships.  Friends who support us will be delighted for us and we will recognize this in their tone of voice, their positive affirming statements toward us, and their desire to celebrate with us. Friends who do not support us may become unusually quiet when they hear of our source of joy. They become quiet because they feel deflated and in turn they deflate you.

In my own journey I have learned to differentiate which friends provide me with good energy and which deflate me. So, I have done a bit of housecleaning. This is how you clean house. You do it gradually. Start having less contact with those who deflate you. Spend less time with them on the phone and in person. You don’t need to terminate these friendships abruptly but rather gradually and gracefully.

Good luck on this journey and may all women become cheerleaders in the right kind of way.

Think of your life as a major motion picture.

Each of us is the director and the star of our own film. We have the ability to redirect our thoughts and choose thoughts that make us feel empowered–even during the crappy times. This is what helps us to thrive: directing our movie and redirecting our thoughts.