Imagine:

You’re walking by a construction site, and the men notice you. As their heads swivel to watch you pass, you brace yourself for whatever may come. “Hey sweetheart!” one hollers. “You make me wanna be a better husband and father!”

Come again? (Yes please!)

Holly Pinafore’s favorite comedienne, Leah Bonnema, recently appeared in a 3-minute short by Chicken Fried Videos. Leah’s the newest addition to the construction site’s team, and her strong female presence wields more impact than a nail gun.

Today is the 60th anniversary of the first “I Love Lucy” episode! And what’s not to love about Lucille Ball? She, Desi Arnaz, Vivian Vance and William Frawley have taught me some of the greatest life lessons that I could never have learned in school. Here’s a few of them:

Hurricane got you scared? Here’s how we Divas strike back at a storm:

1. Clean, sexy underwear. You never know who you’re going to meet. Hey, what if someone comes over for shelter? You don’t want to smell.

2. Flashlights. You want to see who’s touching you in the dark.

3. Booze, coffee, and hot chocolate. In fact, why not make an Irish Coffee? Prep it in a thermos ahead of time. Three thermoses are better than one. You’ll have more to share with your neighbors.

4. Candles. Scented ones, like lavender, to provide inner calm…and possibly to neutralize any odors of spoiled food in your powerless fridge.

5. Rain boots. We like Tretorn. Just in case your basement floods.

6. Size D. Your batteries…not your bras. Get a ton of them before they sell out.

7. Learn morse code…just in case phone lines are down and you need to tap on the wall of the hot neighbor next door.

8. Protection. Rubber. That’s all we’re ‘gonna say.

9. As for food, canned tuna with lemon and olive oil is a delicious, healthy dish you can make without a stove or microwave. And it takes about two minutes to whip up!

10. Lots of clean drinking water, of course. Because a Diva needs to hydrate. So she doesn’t shrivel up like a sun-dried tomato.

Photo credit: www.asianscent.com

FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I vibe at different times of the day,

To keep my sex life spicy.

It’s because I have no boyfriend

But I’m sure that if I had a boyfriend

I wouldn’t need to vibe at all.

I’m sure my man would keep me satisfied.

In fact, I bet that if I threw my vibe in the garbage

It’d be like broadcasting to the Universe,

“I am ready for a boyfriend!  Bring me sex!”

But what if my neighbor Juan decides to go through the trash because he needs something,

Opens my bag

And sees the vibrator next to all the junk mail addressed to me?

Then he’ll know it’s mine.

And he’ll think, “Why does she need this?  She must need a good fucking.”

So he’ll start watching the door of Apartment 11

And he’ll see me,

Alone and miserable and wishing I hadn’t thrown out my vibe.

And the mystery around me will grow, because he’ll think –

“Where is the man who made her throw out her vibrator?  She is alone all the time!”

And then it’ll dawn on him that “Oh, she doesn’t have a boyfriend!  She must be in need of a deep dicking!”

Then he’d knock on my door,

(This happens to be the same moment I finish praying to God to send me My One True Love –The One!)

And I open it, look at him and think, Seriously God?  This dude is it?

He stands there with hope shining from his round face.

I am repulsed but then feel like a bitch, so I quickly think:

“Wow, here is love right on my doorstep, what a gift,

I really should invite him in.

Wait, what if he doesn’t speak English?  I didn’t specify that.

Shit shit shit, he’s like five feet tall.  Chances are his pecker is really tiny.”

I can’t STAND that.

(It’s because I’m like the gas tank of a sports car – fill me up and I can go for miles.)

So, my The One:

He’s short, so’s his penis, and he doesn’t even talk English.

Jesus, God, FUCK!!!!  This is not what I asked for!

But I can’t be rude because one

He’s my neighbor, hello and two

because he’s most likely The One.  I really believe in signs.

But I can’t leave him standing in the door, still looking hopeful.

He looks me up and down.

My cheeks go warm and my thighs a-quiver.

“Can I help you?” I finally say.

He tilts his head and smiles warmly.

“Hi!  You need a fuck?  I the one!”

Yes.  Yes I do, and God and I will be having words when I’m done here.

I’m the type of girl who likes to laugh. A lot. Possibly even excessively so, but anything from a funny movie to a good text message will generally put me into sidesplitting, laugh-out-loud giggles.

When looking for a good comedy, what makes one a classic? What makes it possible for a movie to be watched over and over and continually make its audience laugh every time? It’s not necessary lots of witty sarcasm or over-the-top physical comedy; what makes a comedy a classic and, in some cases even iconic, is taking everyday situations, anything from Christmas celebrations to bachelor parties, and making them as hysterical
(and sometimes, outlandish) as possible.

Over the years, Hollywood has kept us entertained with countless classic comedies. Whether we need something to cheer us up and help to put us in a better mood, or just because we feel like a having a good laugh, the movie industry has given us plenty of options, from the dark and satirical to simple, laughing out loud comedies.

With too many to count, here is a compilation of the best of the best.

5. Animal House

It is impossible to have any comedy list without including “Animal House.” Basically the movie that started it all, “Animal House” is the original in the genre of laugh-out-loud, did-that-really-just-happen?- comedy.

4. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

As kids, we all occasionally wished for those “mental health days” off from high school. For a trio of high school friends, watching them get away with not only playing hooky, but also an entire day gallivanting throughout Chicago without getting caught by parents or teachers, makes us all wish we were just as clever in our high school days. Plus, who can really resist the dance sequence in the middle of the film?

3. National Lampoon’s “Vacation” series

In each of the “Vacation” films, there’s something that is both legendary and iconic. From Wally World to Europe to the most classic family Christmas, Clark Griswold is the well-meaning dad who perpetually gets both himself and his family into some of the most memorable comedic situations.

2. The Hangover

Set in Las Vegas, with a group of guys celebrating a friend’s bachelor party, which has gone terribly awry due to excessive amounts of alcohol. Coupled with an all-star cast and a quick, witty script, the film starts out with an average situation of a bachelor party, with one utterly crazy situation taking place after another, it’s impossible not to laugh.

1. Wedding Crashers

To this day, “Wedding Crashers” is still one of the most quotable movies ever made. From “Mom, the meatloaf!” to “Stage-five clinger,” we’ve all used some memorable line from this movie in our daily lives. Owen Wilson and Vince Vaugn portray two guys out for a good time perfectly, and, albeit shocking at times, keep their audience laughing with some of the most ridiculous antics imaginable.

Photo credit: IMDB.com

So, your boyfriend dumped you. Does that mean you should be sitting alone on your couch eating the entire tub of chocolate ice cream? NO! It means you invite your friends to your place and have a damn dinner party. And save the ice cream for dessert (everyone gets a spoon).

Dry your eyes and put down the Kleenex. Now is the time to make a few joyful memories out of the “misery.”

You can do this one of two ways: a) cook everything you have in your apartment or b) have each friend bring a dish and/or a bottle of booze make it a pot-luck party. Here are some ideas for recipes. And yes, of course they’ve got to be themed. Because after all, love really bites.

THE RECIPES

Bitchin’ Brisket (or, as my friend Ryan calls it, “Screw You, We’re Through” Stew)

Got a slow cooker? Then this dish is the easiest of all to make. Pick up a beef brisket at the supermarket. Brisket makes the most delicious, tender pot roast. Please trust me on this one. Cook it early in the day on low heat and serve 7 hours later for a meal that will make any ex-boyfriend want to eat his words.

• Add olive oil to your non-stick frying pan. Coat each side of your brisket with sea salt and black pepper, then sear each side for a few minutes. You want to get a nice, golden crust on the outside, but you don’t want to cook the inside. Immediately transfer the brisket to your slow cooker. At this point, all you do is add 2-3 whole onions (skin-off, of course), a few handfuls of baby carrots and chopped celery, and about 1/4 cup of water. Sprinkle in a few more pinches of sea salt and whole peppercorns. And THAT’S IT. Cook for 7 hours on low or about 3-4 on high if you’re short on time. Slower and longer is always better, but either way is delicious. The brisket should be falling apart when done.

JERK Chicken
This recipe is so easy that the jerk himself can pull it off. Marinate about 8 chicken tenders for 30 minutes in pre-bought Jamaican Jerk spice (you can find it in the international section of any grocery store). Bake at 350° for 30-45 minutes, or until the internal temp of the chicken reaches 165° F. Serve with rice and peas—the traditional way to eat it!

Heart Breakin’ Bacon BBQ-Cheddar Chicken
Another incredibly simple recipe that’ll have your ex begging to come back for a bite. Take some more of those chicken tenders, slather them with natural barbeque sauce and bake at about the same time as the jerk chicken recipe. At the very end, turn on the broiler and top with some pre-cooked, drained bacon strips (use turkey bacon for a healthier treat) and sprinkle with shredded sharp cheddar cheese. Allow the cheese to melt and get nice and bubbly on the top. You can serve this with a nice baked potato if you want.

“You’ll Be Sorry” Calamari, Shrimp and Scallops in Arrabiata Sauce
And he will be when he hears through the grapevine how delicious this recipe was. Purchase a bag of frozen calamari rings with shrimp and scallops. You can find this at Trader Joe’s (who, by the way, is about to become my new boyfriend. That man has it all!). Thaw the contents of the bag in a bowl of cold water. Then, get ready to make your simple arrabiata sauce (appropriately enough, “arrabiata” means “angry” in Italian. So you can express your emotions toward your ex in the sauce). In a shallow non-stick pan, sauté 2 chopped cloves of garlic, a medium-sized maui sweet onion and some red pepper flakes in about 2 tablespoons of olive oil. Don’t burn the garlic. You just want it to become translucent.

• Immediately add one can of plum tomatoes. Squeeze the juice out of each one and add just the tomatoes to the pan. Break them up with a wooden spoon and add some salt and pepper to taste. Then add some cayenne pepper to make it extra spicy. Stir everything together and allow this to cook over medium heat for a few minutes.
• Drain your thawed seafood and add it to the sauce. Stir everything together over the heat and cook for about 2-3 minutes until the calamari is firm and the shrimp start to turn pink. Do not over-cook. Sprinkle with fresh basil, a little more olive oil, and of course, more red pepper flakes.

Here are a few more ideas for your party:

• Whip up themed cocktails such as the “Mind Eraser.” Get him off your mind with a few sips of this baby, made with Pinnacle® Vanilla Vodka, Kahlua (or any other coffee liqueur) and club soda. Stir it up and drink to freedom!
• Serve pre-bought brownies and call ‘em “BOO-HOO” Brownies.
• Serve Tootsie® Pops or Blow Pops. Because relationships can really suck if they go wrong. They can also be sweet.
• Bake some heart-shaped cookies and break them all in half. Serve them just like that.
• Buy “Cry Baby” candies and give them to your friends as party favors.
• If your ex is really an idiot, you can have a raffle and let the secret prize be an actual douche bag…ya know, the kind you get at the drug store.
• Give out mini shampoo bottles as a reminder to “Wash That Man Right Out of Your Hair”

You call it a Misery Dinner. But the point of the party is not to wallow in your misery. It’s to celebrate the wonderful, fabulous person you are and to celebrate the friends who will always be there for you even when men decide to bounce. Have fun with it. Be creative. And laugh!

The Misery Dinner idea comes from one of my favorite people in the world, Dr. Leo Buscaglia, who was often referred to as the “Love Professor” because he actually taught a college course on love. Buscaglia spoke of times where his large Italian family was so poor that they could barely afford to put food on the table. But they somehow managed to work as a family and pull everything together. One evening, his mother decided to prepare a huge feast. When his father came home from work wondering why and how she could possibly do this, Mama said, “The time for joy is now!” Just remember this when you’re experiencing times of sadness!

Mama Buscaglia’s “Misery Dinner” was an inspiration for the meal that got me through a really tough breakup.

Leo Buscaglia passed away years ago, but his memory lives on. Man, would I love to have cooked with this passionate, loving human being! The two of us would have had a blast in the kitchen.

This time of year is all about deadlines. Whether it’s for your job or finals at school – the stress keeps coming! In order to keep you from going insane through these hard times, we have a few at home remedies to keep yourself laughing.

1. Visit a water park. For some reason, you can’t help but giggle when step aboard a waterslide. Between the twists, turns and men in ridiculous Speedos, you’re sure to burst out laughing. Let’s just hope banana-hammock-boy doesn’t hear you. If you don’t live in a warm climate, there are some indoor water parks across the country where you can have just as much fun.

2. Go to a comedy club. Some can be really bad and stupid, but you can make them hilarious if the comedians aren’t achieving their main goal.

3. Go to a movie or rent one. Nothing like a good Adam Sandler flick to ease away the pain of a bad work week.

4. Start dancing. Whether you are alone or at home with some girlfriends – somehow you can dance the pain out of any problem. Crank up the volume and start moving!

5. Let your boyfriend know. Usually, you will get a good tickle from him if you hint around enough. Even if you don’t like being ticklish – a flirtatious bit from your man definitely does the body good!

6. Be a little inappropriate. This might be gross, but any bathroom humor can usually get others going.

7. Play a prank. Hopefully nothing too mean, but sometimes if you mess up someone else’s day for five minutes, the look on their faces should fill you with laughter.

8. Imitate. For some reason, every time someone tries to interpret a celebrity it is a knee slapping good time. We recommend Rosie O’Donnell, Sharon Stone and Sarah Palin.

9. Play dress-up. Don’t be afraid to act like a little girl again. Go into your mom’s closet and get all of those bad bridesmaid dresses that she kept for some reason. One of two things can happen: it’s back in style and you’ve got a new look or it’s bad – really bad. What a laugh!

10. Have a cocktail or two. When worst comes to worst, fold up your laptop and have a drink. Sometimes, it’s the best medicine.

Photo credit: Flickr Creative Commons User Don LaVonge

Have you ever overcome obstacles, both mental and physical, to accomplish a big goal? Did you marvel at this feat, wondering how you ever succeeded?  I have been doing a lot of reflection lately and I have realized that as important as serious preparation is, humor is what truly gets you through tough spots.

Just six months ago, I had never run for more than 40 minutes straight.  But on March 20, I ran for 2 hours and 11 minutes without stopping.  For many months, the New York City Half Marathon, a race of 13.1 miles, seemed like an insurmountable challenge for me, a task I could never complete.  But somehow I did, running to honor my father, a Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma survivor, and support Leukemia Lymphoma Society (LLS).

Jeff Galloway, a lifelong runner and expert on endurance training, writes about the natural connection between running and happiness: “Research studies have documented that runners tend to be happier. Other studies show that runners have among the highest levels of the positive attitude markers and among the lowest on the depressive scale.”

While it’s true that I experienced happiness and even joy during my training runs, there is no sugarcoating the pain and stress my body went through during my training and the actual race. Racing definitely is not a pretty sport! I had frequent foot pain, issues with an old ingrown toenail, and nagging hip and knee soreness. The level of commitment was no joke either. Between mid-December and March, I woke up every single Saturday morning by 7 to meet my LLS training group in Central Park.

On race day, I knew my hard work during training would ultimately get my body to the finish line. I knew endorphins would eventually kick in and make me feel good and that my friends and family along the course would lift my spirits. But I wanted to cross the finish line under my goal time of 2:15 and be able to walk away from the race smiling and happy. In the end, I was only able to accomplish those goals because of the humor and laughter I shared during the race with my running buddy Laura.

Throughout the course we chatted about our love lives, our pregnant sisters and our favorite books. But mostly we cracked jokes—about the aches and pains that popped up, the lines at the porta potties, the outrageous outfits some runners had on. When things got really tough and our material went dry, the most hilarious spectator signs kept us laughing: “9 miles until brunch”, “Run like a Kenyan!”,  “Go Anonymous!”, “You keep running, we’ll keep drinking!”, “Run like you stole something” and countless others.

We’ve all heard the phrase “laughter is the best medicine” one too many times, and perhaps it is worn-out and ready for retirement. But on that Sunday morning a few weeks back, the truth behind those five words got me through the most intense physical challenge of my life. Once no laughing matter, a tough long run now just makes me smile.

Photo credit: Flickr Creative Commons User Dawn-Pink Chick

Photo courtesy of Keirsten Balukas

Accidentally send out an email about your sexual frustrations to your entire department when it was only meant for your friend Kate in accounting? Get the sneaking suspicion that your boss is standing at the door of your cubicle while you tell your sister on the phone about what a pathetic loser he is? Lose a major sale because you were PMS-ing and got a little too snippy with your client so he decided to go with the next guy’s proposal?

We have all suffered through such experiences at work that made us want to crawl under our desks and beg the hands on the clock to run to the end of the day. Although these blunders might not be damaging enough to get us fired, the damage to our egos might take a bit more than just an ice cream sundae to work out. Work is stressful enough on its own, last thing we need is a faux pas to make it unbearable.

Take heart, gals, because all is not lost. Remember, if there is one trait that makes us stand out as the stronger sex…as women, we can endure!

So once that closing bell rings ladies, here are ten sure ways to make you forget all about your blunders, well at least until your co-workers remind you at the next office party:

1. Have a drink with your girls: There is a reason it’s called “Happy Hour”, and if anyone can make you see what a drama queen you are being over asking Sue from HR if she was pregnant when she has really just gained weight, it’s them.
2. Get a blow out: Nope, not talking tires here. There are few things more relaxing that having your hair washed, scalp massaged and then blown dry to shiny, sleek perfection. Sexy hair=Sexy lady!
3. Shoe shop: Has Carrie Bradshaw taught us nothing? Shoes always fit regardless if we are having a fat day!
4. Read: The hotter the novel the better! My recommendation is the Sookie Stackhouse series by Charlaine Harris. That sexy Eric Northman can make all my woes disappear.
5. Call your mother: She always has to tell you how beautiful, smart and sophisticated you are; that is her job.
6. Exercise: Got to love that endorphin high after running a few miles on the treadmill! And tomorrow you can show off those toned legs wearing that oh-so-slightly, too-short, miniskirt to work.
7. Bake: Never underestimate the power of warm chocolate chip cookies and cold milk.
8. Listen to music: And sing and dance!
9. Sleep: Tomorrow is a new day.
10. Know that “This Too Shall Pass”: Remember that there are much worse things that could happen to you and probably will. But, hey, you are a strong, beautiful woman who can weather any storm with her head held high wearing the sexiest stilettos!

At some point during Hell Week each month—the one we call PMS—I get irritated with everyone, including myself. It starts as a low grumbling…and people begin to annoy me more than usual. The checkout girl at the supermarket is too chatty. My husband asks too many nonsensical questions. People start driving like idiots. Okay, maybe the last one is a constant, but when my temper fuse starts to get shorter and I am seven white pills away from the brown row in my birth control pack, I become Medusa; anyone who looks my way could possibly turn to stone. All I want to do is throw things against a wall and smash them to bits.

As if Aunt Flow paying us a visit for a week isn’t bad enough, the week prior we become devilish banshees shooting daggers with our eyes and fire from our mouths. No wonder men think we are a little crazy. But this idea of breaking things is not that uncommon.

There used to be a place in San Diego, Calif., called Sarah’s Smash Shack (sadly, it no longer exists). Here, the owner allowed you to get out all of your aggression, premenstrual or other, by purchasing cheap dishes and vases and then throwing them against a wall in her art studio. The pieces were used for mosaics and you could create your own PMS piece of art. This concept has been popular in Japan for years, where you can find places to destroy larger things like televisions.

Since I like my dishes and antique vase collection, I have found a less-violent method of getting out the aggression that plagues me like the full moon on a werewolf. I have created a playlist of songs that I crank up either in my car or home, dance around and sweat the demon right out of me. The list is composed of a little rock, a little punk, and lots of guitar. As Florence & The Machine starts off, a smirk crosses my face and I bond with the lyrics of “Kiss With a Fist.” By the time I get down to “American Woman” by Lenny Kravitz, I am almost back to feeling my normal sexy self and want to scream, “That’s right. I am woman. Hear me roar!”

One last piece of advice is to close your blinds while at home. I am sure your neighbors have felt your monthly wrath at some point and think you are crazy enough. Well, at least mine have.

1. Florence & The Machine, “Kiss With A Fist”
2. The Gaslight Anthem, “The 59’ Sound”
3. Paramore, “Decode”
4. PJ Harvey, “Down By the Water”
5. Linkin Park, “What I’ve Done”
6. Plain White T’s, “All That We Needed”
7. Good Charlotte, “I Don’t Wanna Be in Love”
8. The Heavy, “How You Like Me Now?”
9. Lenny Kravitz, “American Woman”
10. Matchbox Twenty, “How Far We’ve Come”
11. MGMT, “Kids”
12. Cold War Kids, “Hang Me Up To Dry”

Illustration copyright Danielle Travali

I’ve seen several “expert-based” books that offer tips to help you feel like a happy puppy during your period. Many of these books (not all of them!) are chock full of idealistic fluff and are a royal waste of your moolah. Instead of bombarding you with preachy medical advice, here’s a few tips from real women. Learn how they cope with the waves of emotion that surface when their “friend” comes to town. Beware: you might consider some of these tips to be hilariously nonsensical. But hey, who’s to judge, anyway?

Katie, 27: “One word: chocolate!”

Lisa, 23: “Girl talk, long runs, deep breaths, green tea and any Real Housewives Bravo episode makes me feel better!”

Jessica, 23: “Dance class, Nutella…and a good friend.”

Lee, 24: “My periods are so irregular, so when I do get them they’re usually a surprise. But chocolate and Advil seem to be cure-alls.”

Lindsay, 16: “Starting arguments actually helps me cope with PMS. I release all my stress ”

Francesca, 24: “Reading Mary Higgins Clark murder mysteries and listening to hip-hop / R&B music helps, so does chamomile tea. If it’s a real bad period, I’ll dance the Tarantella with my Nonna.”

Anonymous, 25: “1)  Chocolate,  2) Exercise,  3) Shower sex. Easy clean-up and takes care of the extra hormones we somehow acquire duing that time…sorry to be graphic!

Kristina, 24: “Ten ways:

“1) I cope with PMS by making sure I have a jar of Nutella in the pantry, a spoon, and a Post-It Note that reads “TOUCH AT YOUR OWN RISK.” Nutella makes it possible for me to play well with others during that time of the month.

2) My mother suggests I wear a t-shirt that says, ‘Do Not Disturb’ so I can forewarn the population not to interact with me.

3) If I’m being emotional, I will watch Lifetime. Why not stick the nail in the coffin, ya know?

4) PMS and that time of the month makes me extremely bloated. Thus, I make sure all babydoll shirts and dresses are washed and ready to wear.

5) Sometimes, if my man is busting my chops about it being that time of the month, I turn to him and ask, “What’s YOUR excuse?” Usually, that shuts him up or gives me about an hour of peace and quiet while he’s giving me the silent treatment.

6) I make sure I check myself if I’m being SuperBitch. If I want to punch me in the face, I know it’s time to either stop talking, eat chocolate or hide in a cave…whichever opportunity presents itself first.

7) I try to pamper myself with a mani/pedi, haircut, and wear my cutest fat outfit. PMS makes me feel and look like a train wreck, so I want to do everything I can to feel and look good.

8) I fill my night with watching comedies to laugh as much as possible. Oh, and Elliott Stabler on Law & Order SVU…what? He’s hot.

9) I go to the gym, I pump my music (not my fists, though) and work out harder. I always feel like a million bucks afterwards.

10) I eat. I eat a lot. Don’t hate.

How do YOU cope with PMS? Share your thoughts, comments and questions below!