Young girls are socialized to get along well with others, to play nicely, and to be aware of others’ feelings. As girls go through middle and high school, some of these values are lost and competitiveness and jealousy play themselves out in a hurtful way. I believe that the unfortunate combination of the aforementioned values and the competition that develops in the later school years contribute to women’s fear of success.

Yes, men too are susceptible to this fear, but I believe that it is a more common problem among women.

Getting what we really want in life takes incredible focus, perseverance, and the ability to forge ahead in the face of failure. There are many times during this journey when we fall flat on our faces, but we have to dust ourselves off and get on with the show. This is not always easy if you lack a support group — the fan club that is cheering just for you.  Many women are prone to self-doubt and to internalizing the negative evaluations of others, which manifests as a fear of failure. And when we experience small successes that may lead to larger successes, sometimes a new set of fears overcomes us — the fear of success.

If any of the below rings true, you may have a fear of success.

1. Am I truly worthy of success?

2. If I achieve success, will it make me as happy as I expect it to?

3. Will others still love/like me?

4. Will success lead me to loneliness because my friends will abandon the successful me?

5. Will I be exploited by those who want to benefit from my connections, contacts, et cetera?

6. Will men still like me if I am successful, or will they find me undesirable?

Success and our Friendships

The fact is that success is associated with great satisfaction and yes, it is also associated with some problems. As women transform themselves into powerful individuals they may, in fact, lose some friends. Those friends that were expected to cheer you on may instead become jealous of your success.

 My recommendation is that we women re-examine how we take care of each other. There is enough success to go around for everyone! The girlfriend that you cheer on today may be a wonderful and enthusiastic member of your fan club as you work on climbing that tricky ladder of success.

I suggest that, in your journey toward current and future success, you carefully examine your friendships.  Friends who support us will be delighted for us and we will recognize this in their tone of voice, their positive affirming statements toward us, and their desire to celebrate with us. Friends who do not support us may become unusually quiet when they hear of our source of joy. They become quiet because they feel deflated and in turn they deflate you.

In my own journey I have learned to differentiate which friends provide me with good energy and which deflate me. So, I have done a bit of housecleaning. This is how you clean house. You do it gradually. Start having less contact with those who deflate you. Spend less time with them on the phone and in person. You don’t need to terminate these friendships abruptly but rather gradually and gracefully.

Good luck on this journey and may all women become cheerleaders in the right kind of way.

It sounds to me as if you didn’t give yourself a chance to get to know this guy and you already feel like you are in a rut with him. Why did you do this to yourself? Perhaps, you thought that you would get closer to him by becoming sexually intimate. There is no reason to berate yourself about this. Please have a little self-compassion. Nonetheless, if you are truly interested in getting to know this guy you must talk with him about how you’d like to have more varied experiences with him and let him know kindly and authentically that the current pattern is not satisfying. If he agrees with you then perhaps you’d like to invest a little more time in the relationship. if, on the other hand, he wants to simply eat and have sex with you then move on quickly!

-Dr. G

Dear Dr. G,

I’ve been waiting for the beautiful spring weather to come, and now that it’s here, I feel sad, as if it’s still winter. I’ve recently been having some guy troubles as well as problems with friends who seem to meddle in my business. They judge me for every action I make with regard to career and relationships. With this seasonal transition, I need to make some serious life changes in both the friend and relationship zones. I’m afraid to make those moves, as I feel out of my comfort area. Where do I begin?

-Confused and Anxious

Dear Confused and Anxious,

You are in good and plentiful company. Many of us feel that we need to “clean house” literally and figuratively as the seasons change. Many times house cleaning involves stepping out of our comfort zones and into zones that eventually will improve our overall life satisfaction. These are not easy tasks but are nonetheless often necessary.

You say that you have friends who meddle in your business. I assume that this means that they are judging your relationships and career decisions in both an unwelcome and not so helpful manner. My question to you is whether or not you are setting boundaries for your friends. If not, my suggestion is that you ask them for less input so that they have less to comment on. You see, if you talk to them about sensitive boyfriend and work issues, they may misinterpret this as an invitation for their feedback.

If you have tried to set boundaries with friends and they have handily dismissed them then perhaps you need to consider removing them from your inner circle of confidantes. I have found in both my own life and in the life of many of the people that I work with there are only a few select people who really “get” you and know what would be reassuring to say when you are talking about important life concerns.

You asked for a way to start and how to push yourself out of your comfort zone. My suggestion is that you do this with baby steps rather than sweeping changes. Tell friends a little less, be a little less responsive to feedback, and perhaps cut down on the amount of communication that you have with meddlesome friends. Stepping out of a comfort zone is never easy but is easier if you do it gradually and gracefully. I have a strong sense that you are a sensitive person who does better with a gentle approach.

Please write back to me and let me know how it goes.

Dr. G.

Photo credit: Flickr user Benson Kua

Dear Dr. G,

A good friend of mine from college seems to have a drinking problem. Every time we go out, she can’t just drink socially. She has to get wasted. And frankly, it’s uncomfortable and embarrassing. Especially when I’m the one who has to hold her up as we’re walking out of the bar. I am afraid to say anything to her, as she gets very testy every time I give any kind of advice. I don’t want to sound like her parent, so I don’t know what I should do. I want to be her friend, but a) I’m worried about her and b) I don’t want to get a bad reputation by hanging around someone who drinks like that all the time. Am I being mean for saying this? What steps could I take to make sure she gets some kind of help without ruining the friendship?

Bottled Up Emotion

Dear Dr. G,

I am so fed up with dating and relationships. One of the reasons is because it seems the second I start dating and getting close to a guy, envious females sneak their way in and flirt persistently with my man. The guys I date are nice, so they proceed to talk to these girls and respond to their Facebook wall posts. They’ll even return their texts “just to be nice.” I get so jealous. Maybe it’s because I have low self esteem. Or is it just because I’m human? Honestly, who knows what else goes on? I feel like I’m always out of the loop, and I hate bringing up the subject with the guy, because he’s going to think I don’t trust him. It’s not him I don’t trust; it’s the ladies. Some women think they can get what they want and will do anything / everything in their power to do it. It’s so exhausting to compete with them. I can’t do it anymore. Should I just give up on dating for a while? It’s such emotional stress for me.

-JADED, 27

Dear JADED,

First, I want to reassure you that you are in the good and plentiful company of many other women. Several things seem to be going on in your particular situation.

Let me explain:

First, one of the reasons that relationships are so complicated is because when we really like someone we simultaneously fear losing them. This is natural but the amount of abandonment fear that you have is likely related to both your self-esteem and the quality and history of your past relationships. Second, women do tend to get competitive with one another. Somehow and sadly, we tend to be socialized this way. So, when you find a man that you find desirable two things happen. He becomes more socially desirable to your friends and they want to see if this man will find them desirable. This does not necessarily mean that your friends want your man. It may simply be that they are checking out whether or not “they’ve still got it.” This doesn’t make things easier to tolerate but does help to make sense of the dynamic that you are struggling with. Third, the guys are flattered by the attention so they return your friends’ attention. They may simply want your friends to like them or—who knows—maybe they are interested in one of your friends.

This is how I would look at things, my dear. There is no reason for you to take a break from dating. Focus instead on whether or not the guy is a good match for you and whether or not the two of you bring out the best in each other. Try not to focus on the flirting and other related issues. Listen, if your guy and one of your friends are well-suited then move on. This may be painful but a guy who is right for you is not going to be “stolen” so quickly.

I hope that helps a bit.

Dr. G.

Photo credit: Examiner.com

Dear Dr. B-

A girl I know is dealing with several emotional issues. It is beyond self-esteem problems and is heading toward self-destructive behaviors like drug and alcohol abuse. I’d like to help her, but I’m feeling as though I need to back off and let her ask for professional help. To what extent do I be a friend and talk her through the problems? Many of the problems are issues I feel I can’t do anything about because I just don’t have the ability to answer them for her. She has begun to cling to me for help, and I don’t feel right about stepping into her personal business because it can be more than I’m able to handle. Am I being selfish? Am I being a bad friend? What can I do to help without dragging myself into misery? I tend to get easily swallowed up by others’ problems and become depressed when I do so.

~Worried

Dear Worried,

I can see why she would choose you as a trusted confidante. You appear to be both kind and thoughtful. Nonetheless, you are likely in over your head and may, in fact, be doing her a disservice by being her go-to advice friend-To say nothing of the toll that this responsibility must be taking on you! I suggest that in the same kind and thoughtful manner you explain to her that you are not equipped to give her the help that she needs and that you are worried about misguiding her. Tell her that she must get help. I assume that it would be easier to have her as a friend if she got her counseling in a professional venue.

Good Luck.
Dr.B.

Dear Dr. G,

I recently walked away from a guy that I know was bad news, and this past weekend he got in touch with me. Per usual he was mean and made me feel guilty. His exact words were, “I have no interest in being a part of your future,” to which I responded, “okay” (of course this was all via text). How is it possible he can make me feel so bad when he’s the bad guy?

-Exhausted

Dear Exhausted,

First, I am so sorry that this guy continues to intrude upon your life. He can make you feel bad because you likely made yourself vulnerable with him and then it feels like he rejected “the real you.” In fact, he sounds like the kind of person who you would eventually have gotten disgusted with. My advice is to remove him from all aspects of your life. Clear out gifts and items that remind you of him. Disconnect from him electronically and otherwise. Do not express ambivalence with him or he will eat you for dinner. Clean house literally and emotionally and move on!

He can select a different item on the menu for dinner and you can focus on more inspirational people in your life. Lose him like a hot potato.

Good Luck!
Dr. G

Photo credit: Flickr Creative Commons User “Titanas”

Dear Dr. G,

How you can prevent yourself from being drained by those energy vampires–people who are so negative that they cause you to lose your vitality?

Signed,
Drained

Dear Drained,

My guess is that you have tolerated “energy vampires” for way too long and that you are now approaching exhaustion and resentment. It’s impossible to avoid having your blood sucked by them because that is, after all, what defines them. First, you can try to set limits with them like ending a phone call before you feel like screaming. Second, you can limit exposure to only one or two “vampires” at any given point in your life. Or, you can quickly identify an energy vampire and then run, don’t walk, to another location. Trust me, the vampire will find other people to suck dry. YIKES!

Good luck. Stay rejuvenated and inspired!
Dr. G.

The following article was written by Dr. G’s well-trusted fitness trainer Bob Cioppa and originally published in the St. John Sun Times. Originally titled “How Not to Become a Sumo Wrestler.” Used with permission from the author.

Photo credit: Flickr Creative Commons User Meg Lessard

Dear Dr. G.,

You know, since everyone is talking about the Royal Wedding and the gorgeous, elegant Kate Middleton (technically now Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge), I was wondering if you had about 7-10 tips to help women respect themselves—to treat themselves like the princess they are every day. What are some things you do to treat your mind and body with love, like a daily routine to build self-esteem and reinforce positive thinking?

~Holly

Hey there,

Well, I looked up the definition of princess and was delighted to find that one of the many definitions was “an outstanding woman.” So sisters, you don’t need to be part of a royal family to be a princess. The more difficult question of course is how to FEEL like a princess.

My gift to all the women out there is to offer up some ideas for how to make yourself feel like a princess on a daily basis. Thank you, Holly, for this grand task! You always keep me on my toes. Here goes.

Each day:

1. Wear one whimsical item that makes you feel just wonderful. For me, it’s an outrageously beautiful pair of earrings that make lots of noise. They have tiny bells on them. They make me feel like a rock and roll star.

2. Find a scent that makes you feel irresistible and apply it lightly before any meeting that you feel anxious about.

3. Put on a smile and people will think you’ve got a secret. And who, I ask you, is more intriguing than a woman with a secret?

4. Do something that makes you feel slightly guilty like buying a gossipy magazine, pretending that you are a belly dancer, etc.

5. Take care of your skin. Apply a little moisturizer or a little lip gloss. It’s my experience that a little moisture really makes the skin and the woman in that skin very happy.

AND

6. Move. Shake. Walk. Stretch. Dance. Get a bit of exercise each day. Your body will thank you!

~Dr. G.

Photo credit: Flickr Creative Commons User Robynlou Kavanagh, a.k.a. “Robynlou8″